Twenty-second...

 
Dear God.

It's been a long long time since I last wrote you, isn't that right? And here I am again with my stupid problems. Yes, they are stupid. But somehow I want the world to know... anyone would probably find me annoying if I spoke to them directly and complained. So I guess I'll just write here, then.
It's just that every time it's about me making mistakes. Whenever I want to help, whenever I just want to have fun or whenever I want to point out a problem (or a bunch of problems), I guess I still haven't learned how to do these things right. I don't know. Well... it was really all right when noone was around. I can't make mistakes when nothing's expected, right? So why, why do I have to make them now?
All my life, I longed to be important in any way possible - for someone, for something... I hate to just look important, I want to be important. But that thing... I guess it's somehow impossible. Even if I do become important for someone, there nothing but disappointment waiting for them. I tried. More than once. More than twice. Even though I tried to find some motivation and all... every time it ended up the same. Every time, the same stupid sentence started ringing in my head.
"You just can't do it. And you know why? Because you're not meant for it."
I always wanted to believe two things: First - There's no such thing as talent. If things get difficult, work hard and go for it. And second - You can always manage your destiny yourself.
Maybe I could try and work hard - but I don't know how to work hard. And when people tell me "just stop thinking too much and walk up your path", I'm not able to do as they say. I can try to make myself do stuff, to forget... but when the problem is too big, it doesn't go away.
I don't think people understand me. Well, I'm sure I don't understand either. This is my problem - I don't know what to do because I don't know what they expect of me. Even after so long, I still know nothing about people. Nothing at all.
I'm just so scared I could lose something obtained in the last seven months. I'm so sorry.
For today, I must thank my roommate and one of my web friends - they did a lot for me.

Thanks for listening - well, reading actually.
Feeling all better now (even though I don't know how long I'll be able to keep it up)
your bittersweet me